Positive Fatherhood #2

What is your name of your children? 

Miriam 10, Maggie 7, Evelyn 3, Gavin 1

Where do you live?

Iowa

What is your favorite thing about being a father?

Just being loved by my kids.  When I can be at my best, serve them well and see they way they return that spirit makes me feel like Superman.  It’s wonderful to see them grow, change and develop.  The time and effort (and money!) it takes to invest in them means other selfish things have to be set aside; but the returns are well worth it.  When my youngest daughter asks to sit on my lap, when my 2^nd oldest wants to go to the hardware store with me, or when my oldest earns a new privilege I feel like a million bucks.

What was/is one of your favorite things to do with your children?

Every Sunday night is family night.  We’ll make pizza, let the kids pick a movie and enjoy just being together.  The kids also love legos or puzzles.  When we do small projects like that together it’s great.  No stress, or pressure, just the simple enjoyment of being together.

What has been the most helpful thing for you in being a father?

A good family and church relationship.  Whether it’s other couples in my small group, the community at our local church, or the help of aunts, uncles and grandparents. Having help and support means a lot.  Kids get sick, schedules get messed up, I take on projects that are way bigger than I can finish alone, or I just desperately need to take my wife out for a date and some adult conversation.  When these things happen having support from the community of Christ makes all the difference in the world.

What is one piece of advice you have for other fathers?

1) Let your yes be yes and your no be no. and 2) Pick your battles and always win.
Per scripture I don’t want to exasperate my kids.  I want to be kind and consistent with what is expected of them, what we can do and what we can’t.  As such, if I’m parenting the way I should I communicate with them, follow up with my commitments and be consistent.  This gives them boundaries and will build the trust that Dad is fair and he can be counted on.  To that end, kids need to be kids and I shouldn’t demand that they be perfect.  It’s ok to let small, unimportant things go.  Not every battle needs to be fought.  However, there are times when kids need firm discipline and instruction.  When No means no and obedience should be expected.  These are the times that it is imperative to stand firm.

Do you have a favorite story (something funny, a mistake you made that you learned from, a special memory, etc.) that you would like to share?

Since I don’t make mistakes, I have limited things to share here but will do my best.

Several years back Miriam was taking horse lessons.  One day, the horse decided to shake its mane rather briskly.  Miriam was unaware and unsuspecting of this, as it caught her by surprise she was tossed off the horse and landed face down in the dirt.  I was watching from the side and saw the whole thing happen.  I rushed up to her and saw right away that she was ok but didn’t want the slightest thought of discouragement to enter her mind.  So I said “Hey Miriam, way to go!  You’re a real cowgirl now!”  The other instructors praised her as well for her first fall.  Miriam sniffled a couple times but then, without hesitation, climbed right back on the horse and finished her lesson.  I don’t know that I’ve ever been more proud.  Miriam had every reason to quit, but she literally got back on the horse.

Bonus:  Little kids need nutritious food and naps.  You can save time by having your kids do both at the same time!

We Say Goodbye To An Amazing Lady

This week we lost an amazing lady who gave her life to help children and families. Dr. Karyn Purvis passed away on Tuesday, April 12. I (Matt) will be forever grateful for her and her work of helping kids from hard places. The material that she developed and has shared with so many has been the conduit to so many children being able to experience deep levels of healing. We are committed to spreading this hope giving message and we will continue to do so through hosting the simulcast and teaching our 9 week parenting class. Our prayers are with the family of Dr. Purvis and her team at TCU. Thanks for investing in the lives of children.

In an attempt to give you a little picture of the impact this material has on families, we thought we would share with you some direct quotes from our simulcast we hosted last weekend. Enjoy.

"This was such a helpful weekend of information and learning."

"I am so thankful to take home the various resources to not only integrate with your future adopted child, but also to our biological children right now."

"This was our first time attending ETC and we loved it! Such great info. Hope to come next year."

"It was eye opening to hear Dr. Howard say...'The consequences of neglect are far more serious then that of abuse. By giving these kids a voice we are telling them they matter and have value.'"

"Our takeaway was, behavior emerge from needs."

"I feel more equipped and encouraged to address parenting that often is intimidating and seems unmanageable."

"I have received some tools I am very excited to put into practice."

"I am hopeful that the things I have learned will bring healing and growth to our family."

"You have to regulate yourself first before you can help regulate your kiddos."

"Where was this 19 years ago?"

"This has really helped me understand behavioral and emotional needs."

"This has been so good!"

"We now know for sure what has happened to our biological son while raising him along with our adopted children, thank you!"

Positive Fatherhood #1

What is your name of your children? 

Terry has 6 kids and 2 grandkids.

Felicia who is married to Mike, Zachary who is married to Morgan, Chase who is married to Alexa, Logan, Jacob, and Anna.

Where do you live?

Terry lives in Indiana

What is your favorite thing about being a father?

Pouring into the kids life's and watching them grow into adults 

What was/is one of your favorite things to do with your children?

Sitting around the table for our evening meal together. Praying, eating, and sharing about our days. This might sound boring but I remember doing this growing up with my parents and siblings. It's amazing what that time each day does to keep a family close to each other in a busy world. 

What is one piece of advice you have for other fathers?

Work harder at being a father than at your job. Don't come home from work and isolate yourself in front of the TV. Be an "involved" husband and father.

Do you have a favorite story (something funny, a mistake you made that you learned from, a special memory, etc.) that you would like to share?

A funny story.... Our youngest Anna was born in Ethiopia and loves to dance and sing. We found this used karaoke machine that we gave to her at Christmas this past year. My wife and her were singing a popular pop song and I joined in singing. She stops and looks at me and says "Dad you should stick to being in the audience with that voice!" Ouch!

An Important Voice

There are many voices represented with adoption and foster care. As an adoptive father myself, it is easy to only listen to certain voices. I believe this is common in many areas of our lives. We have to be purposeful to listen to voices that may be different than ours, that maybe represent a group of people in which we do not belong, that maybe see things from a perspective that we have never seen before, that may even make us a little uncomfortable. When we choose to listen to the voices that are different than ours, it shows that our ultimate goal is understanding. We are seeking to understand something from another perspective other than our own.

This is why I believe that Angela Tucker's voice is so important! We all need to hear from her and other adoptees. Her experience is something we all can learn from.

Her questions
Her curiosity
Her bravery
Her courage
Take a listen it is only 34 minutes.

You can also learn more about her story in her documentary entitled "Closure." It can be seen on Netflix and Amazon.

The Positive Stories of Fatherhood

The other day I read an article by Dr. John DeGarmo that was entitled "What the Media is NOT Telling You About Dads Like Me." It starts off this way...

"Absent fathers. Abusive dads. Poor role models for children. Today's media is full of stories about fathers and dads who are absent in their children's lives; who harm their children with various forms of abuse; who are poor role models to their children on a variety of levels."

You can read the rest of the article here if you are interested.

Like most of our news and media, the stories about fatherhood that are "news worthy" are almost always negative. So I thought that it would be cool to write about the "other" stories. The positive stories of fatherhood.

Now, we are in no way claiming that the people in the stories we share are perfect in any way. They are real people, with real children, with real problems, who have and will make real mistakes that we can all learn something from or just simply be encouraged by.

We will be sharing these stories on our blog and on our Facebook page from time to time. Be encouraged that there are many fathers investing into the next generation.

Poem by Andrea Chambers

"How much time do I have, Little One?"

I met you just today...what excitement and what pleasure!

This little outfit that you wear will become a special treasure.

I don't know what you've endured in your short little life,

Or what haunting memories flood your mind when you close your eyes at night.

But let me assure you, Little One, you are completely loved and adored.

You will learn to trust and feel secure each day, more and more.

"How long will you stay with me?", I ponder as I rock you.

I haven't known you long, but I feel I can't live without you!

How long will I kiss your tear-filled eyes and scraped-up little knees?

Each boo-boo gives me a purpose because mommy is who you need.

How long will I make your meals and serve your favorite foods?

It's such a joy to hear you pray and thank Him for all the good.

I hate to say "good-bye" to you when you leave for weekly visits,

But I pack your bag with love, give you kisses, and pray for you every minute.

I know this all confuses you. It doesn't seem to make a bit of sense.

But know I am ready to hold you in my arms when you are on the defense.

I love you, oh so much, more than words could ever say.

Time passes much too quickly, and decisions about your future must be made.

How much time do I have, Little One? I really do not know.

But I am thankful for the time we are given, and oh, I love you so!

Empowered to Connect

We are so excited to be hosting the live simulcast of the Empowered to Connect Conference again this year.

The Empowered To Connect Conference is a two-day conference for adoptive and foster parents, ministry leaders, and professionals designed to help them connect with children from hard places in order to help them heal and become all that God desires for them to be. Led by Dr. Karyn Purvis (Director of the TCU Institute of Child Development), this conference is ideal for adoptive and foster parents, those considering adoption or foster care and those who are serving and supporting others, including social workers, agency professionals, church staff and ministry leaders, counselors, therapists and others all involved in adoption and foster care ministries or services. Conferences sessions will be held from 10am-6pm on both days. Light refreshments will be provided during breaks throughout the event, with “on your own” lunch breaks. All participants are highly encouraged to attend sessions on both days. Professionals may be eligible to receive continuing education credit for their participation.

Check out this video to learn a little more.

This conference is beneficial for everyone. It will help you relate better to your spouse, adopted children, foster children, biological children, students, coworkers, etc.

Maybe you are single and have no children and are thinking to yourself, "What good could I get from this conference?" You can find the answer to that question in this blog, "How Going to the 'Wrong' Conference Was the Right Thing."

Here are the details: 

Date/Time - April 8-9, 10am-6pm both days. Doors will open at 9:30am both days

Location - Grace Community Church

Address - 20076 County Road 36 Goshen, IN 46526

Cost - $20/person
If you have any questions please contact Matt at matt@villagetovillageintl.com

This simulcast is being offered at over 200 locations so if you cannot make it to Goshen, IN you can check out this link http://showhope.org/be-hope/equipping-families/etc/etc-simulcast/#map to find a location near you. Be sure to check it often as they are updating the map with new locations constantly.